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Fortune Cookies

Humorous, bizarre, and (yes, really) meaningful fortune cookie fortunes that are too numerous to go on my already gargantuan quotes page. A few of them are my own or those of people I know, but the rest originate here and here.

At the end are a few stories involving fortune cookies…

——

All generalities are false, in general.

What have you done with your life?

That was not really chicken.

You are as gay as those around you.

You love Chinese food.

Never trust a used car salesman who is out of breath.

You will never lose your raincoat again.

Contains 235 micrograms of Lead, 7433 micrograms of Cadmium.

The FBI & CIA are watching you. Eat this note.

All your jobs are now belong to us!

You are not five pounds overweight, you are pregnant.

Things are going to get even weirder.

When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out, because that’s what’s inside.

You will meet a taxicab driver named Marvin.

A psychic will lead the authorities to your body.

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.

In case of fire, pay bill and run.

Some men dream of fortunes. Others dream of cookies.

It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

The greatest danger could be your stupidity.

You are not so charming that you do not have to pay.

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

The best things in life are free, the next-best things are VERY, VERY expensive!

You are not paranoid. We really are watching you.

You are a spring onion.

A girlfriend is like a bottle of wine. A wife is like a wine bottle.

Be kind to pigeons–a statue may one day be made of you.

The mortgage is due on your castle in the air.

Blessed are the children, for they shall inherit the national debt.

A watermelon on the roof only rolls one way.

You are destined to become an astronaut…
because in school, you took up space.

A nice cake is waiting for you.

Life is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel.

If you don’t know where you’re going, you can’t get lost.

Your fortune is in another cookie.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Ask not what your fortune cookie can do for you, ask what you can do for your fortune cookie.

You are the greatest person in the world.

At this moment, someone is writing your name on a bathroom wall.

Never take advice from a fortune cookie.

There is no place like home, except perhaps Hawaii.

The bouncing ball is in the light.

Never wear your best pants when you go to fight for freedom.

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

If only you knew…

Your plants hate you.

The rubber bands are heading in the right direction.

A bird can fly because it takes itself so lightly.

Get out of town quick, girlfriend pregnant.

Harsh words butter no parsnips.

You will not walk out of here alive.

Don’t pursue happiness, create it.

You will go far, but be sure to come back.

Why Not?

In case of a flood this cookie inflates to a life raft.

Aside from your stupidity, you’re perfect!

Oops, wrong cookie.

It is good to save water. Shower with a friend.

Behind every good man is a.

Hands that touch this fortune will never do dishes.

It is sunny outside.

Some fortune cookies contain no fortunes.

He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Wonton or dumpling?

Live your life as if you had to sit next to yourself on an airplane.

An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly!

Life is not a struggle. It’s a wiggle.

Don’t kiss an elephant on the lips today.

You are not illiterate.

About time I got out of that cookie.

Your emotional nature is strong and emotional.

To lower your stress level, get a cat.

Confucius say: you have heart as big as Texas.

This is really a lovely day. Congratulations!

You are almost there.

With care, things will never change.
When you’re finished changing, you’re finished.

Next time, order the shrimp.

You should have your ears boxed.

You were an accident.

You will be hungry again in one hour.

Decide already.

An empty stomach is a poor political adviser.

You are a happy man.

A mayor of New York will win the White House.

Play strip poker.

What if the Hokey Pokey is what it’s all about?

You will find great happiness with a new wardrobe.

You will be invited to a karaoke party.

Soon… and with someone you know.

Ignore all previous fortunes.

Now is the time to make circles with mints. Do not haste any longer.

You will get some new clothes.

You believe in the goodness of mankind.

If you’re not rejected at least three times a week, you’re not really trying.

You are a perfidious friend and a false lover.

You are doomed to a happily married life.

You are the crispy noodle in the vegetarian salad of life.

Your future husband will be a five star chef.

Your face is like a welcome mat.

——

I had just finished a backpacking trip and was having a celebration dinner at a Chinese restaurant before flying home. It was getting late and the restaurant had expedited my dinner so I could finish sooner. The fortune cookie that came with dessert said, “There is not as much time left as you might think.” I checked my watch and realized that my plane was leaving in less than an hour. After a bare knuckle wildly speedy trip to the airport, I arrived at the gate just as they made the last call for my flight. If not for the cookie, I would have missed the plane.

——

After opening two cookies with no fortune, the fortune in the third cookie read “Persistence pays off.”

——

In Rochester, MN, at the Mayo Clinic, my brother Lynn received the tough news that he had perhaps a few weeks to live. He said to his daughter and me “Well, let’s get some lunch. Chinese?” He cracked his cookie at meal’s end, unfolded the paper, and silent tears flowed. The paper read “Your eyes will be opened to a new and beautiful world.” It is in his coffin.

——

My father is a retired cardiovascular surgeon. He was the first to perform open heart surgery in Los Angeles county in the 1960s. During his residency training in San Francisco, he received a fortune in a cookie at a Chinese restaurant that he has carried in his wallet ever since (he is 75 years old). It reads, “You will touch the hearts of many”.

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4 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Marilou Wellings / Dec 30 2009 3:03 pm

    A great idea for future recipes this. Thank you for sharing it. Have you noticed how so many people appear to be cooking again? I wonder if the lack of funds due to the current climate has something to do with it and we all appear to be cooking again! its great!

  2. Jack / Jan 3 2010 12:19 pm

    What’s up, I just found this blog – thank you for the good work. Just wanted to let you know that it’s not showing up properly on the BlackBerry Browser (I have a Bold). Anyway, I am now subscribed to your RSS feed on my laptop, so thanks!

  3. Jack3d / May 1 2011 6:21 pm

    Hi again, I posted roughly 1 year ago saying that I was not able to read your blog correctly. I don’t know if you repaired your site but I can now view it properly, so I’m happy. I’m using a Black Berry Pearl.

  4. z90 / Dec 24 2012 6:28 pm

    What’s up it’s me, I am also visiting this web site on
    a regular basis, this site is really good and the viewers are genuinely sharing nice thoughts.

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