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26 April 2009 / April

This is a happy post

While we were sharing joys and concerns at church this morning, our pastor announced that her son had narrowed down his college choices to two.  “So he has four days now to make the final decision…”

I sat bolt upright and thought, “Holy fuck May 1 is in four days.”

It’s funny, because I suppose I’ve known with a non-negligible degree of certainty that I’m going to Williams for at least a week and actually more like seven months, when I applied with QuestBridge and ranked Williams first.

But paired with that non-negligible degree of certainty was always an equally non-negligible degree of uncertainty.  And so I have held off and held off and held off on responding, waiting for the single fact or heartfelt emotion or stroke of genius or whatever it takes for certainty to triumph over uncertainty and allow me to stride confidently into a certain future.  As someone who counts Gödel’s Incompleteness Theorems among her obsessions, I should have known better.  As someone who counts “being human” among her characteristics, I didn’t.

Now, May 1 was in four days, and no campus visit or financial aid package could help me now.  There was only my brain and my gut and me, and suddenly all three just wanted to hurry up and seal the deal so I could worry about other matters.  Because the only thing more liberating than having a thousand choices is having one.

I came home feeling a little dazed and promptly, almost in a panic, filled out a few forms declining some colleges (and their honors programs, scholarships, etc.) and one form accepting a college, a college unfortunate enough to have to deal with me for the next four years.  I kept worrying about stupid things– forgetting what college to write in the “instead I will attend” blank, writing my last name in the first name blank or vice versa, checking the wrong box so I would be matriculating at two colleges, or worse, none at all.

Finally it was done, and looking at the stack of envelopes, I felt, yes, liberated– freed from the burden of a troublesome decision.  More than that, I actually felt incredibly pleased with myself.  Financial aid troubles and broken hearts notwithstanding, everything had turned out remarkably well.

Uncertain future, here I come.



Leave a Comment
  1. Rafael Lizarralde / Apr 26 2009 9:18 pm

    This is one of your best-written posts. 🙂

  2. Rachel / Apr 26 2009 10:25 pm


    I think I decided a year ago tomorrow.

  3. Moleo / Apr 26 2009 10:53 pm

    This post left me feeling fuzzy inside and very happy for you. And I agree. This post was exceptionally well written. ^////^;; ….I love you, Apri!

  4. April / Apr 27 2009 9:03 am


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