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1 December 2008 / April

The worst part

The worst part about not knowing is your inability to do anything else.  You know it’s unreasonable and perhaps unhealthy, but you look over at The Sound and the Fury or your Latin reading or your bed and it all seems rather pointless.  Because you could know where you’ll be spending the next four years of your life and whether you’ll be saddled with college debt for the next forty years of your life– you’re supposed to– but you don’t.

Your mother doesn’t quite know why you’re slamming down phones (remember phones before cell phones?  Damn can you slam those suckers) and shredding papers into their constituent atoms.  Apparently, she doesn’t care about college debt.  Perhaps you knew that already.  After all, your sister is a music major.

Speaking of music, you know better than to even try practicing piano in a mental state like this.

The other worst part is remembering how you were going to spend tomorrow either delivering a second round of teacher recommendation forms– or celebrating (perpetually).  And now you can do neither.  The reason, besides some goddamn bitch of a recurring technological glitch that prevents you from receiving the most important e-mails, is that California is very far from New York.  Three time zones away.

So their 9 to 5 workday is our 12 to 8 what-the-hell day, and you e-mailed them after 8, after they had gone home for the day and sat down in front of the TV with their families and their dinners.  So the soonest you could possibly know is noon tomorrow, or more probably 12:01, which is so soul-destroyingly far away from NOW.

There’s another worst part too, which is that you waiting means a cascade of other people close to you, who are also waiting.  You told them 8 PM on Monday because you faithfully, foolishly, believed it would be 8 PM on Monday.  But then it became 12 PM on Tuesday– somehow, due to technology and geography working against you in maleficent glee– and maybe they hate you now because they think you’re ignoring them, and maybe you should go back to thinking about college and debt now because those are Big Important Things, but now all you can think about is what a terrible friend you must seem like.

And of course you shouldn’t worry about any of it.  The real decision happened four days ago, or perhaps even earlier.  All the rest is just form.

But telling yourself not to worry never, never works.



Leave a Comment
  1. anon / Dec 1 2008 10:09 pm

    Deep. Breaths.

    Also, many admissions offices are open late. Stupid question, but did you try calling?

  2. April / Dec 1 2008 10:38 pm

    It’s a pretty reasonable question, actually, considering how scatterbrained I sound in this post. I did call and they were not open. 😦

  3. Stacy / Dec 2 2008 1:17 am

    Oh man, I feel like I wrote an almost identical post to this last year (complete with second person point of view). I’m sending you my sympathies and I swear that when you get your acceptance letter. Any school would be crazy not to accept you, Apri. 🙂

  4. April / Dec 2 2008 10:02 pm

    Aw, thank you Stacy!

    … Now will you call all the schools I’m applying to and tell them they’d be crazy not to accept me? Please? 🙂


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